RANT WARNING! – See That Space In Front Of You? Occupy It!

RANT WARNING! – See That Space In Front Of You? Occupy It!

I already warned you in the title but I’ll do it again.  This is a total rant.  If you are not into reading what grinds someone’s gears then go look at something like this.  For those of you who are still here, read on.  Also, for those of you who went to that link and came back angry, baffled, or just slightly annoyed; sorry not sorry.  I welcome you back anyway.

This rant is about the jizz waffles that stop one to two car lengths back from the car in front of them at traffic lights or stop signs.  WHAT THE FUCK? Yes, I forwent the acronym just to illustrate how much this pisses me off!  Why do you do this?  Do you think that if the person in front of you suddenly decides to throw it in reverse you’ll have time to avoid it?  Unless you are driving KITT,  I highly doubt you are going to escape unscathed.  This action proves to be most irritating when I want to turn right and I can’t because you are blocking the entrance to the turn lane.  You can’t be bothered to move up a bit more, can you?  My, not so subtle, hint of inching toward your rear bumper (which, for an introvert like me, is akin to road rage) should be a clue about your transgression.  However, that rarely gets the point across to the offenders.  Now that I drive a Jeep Wrangler, I will sometimes just drive right the fuck up on the curve to get to that turn lane.  I have to admit that it gives me a slight sense of satisfaction to thwart the cock lane blocking vehicle in front of me.  On the other hand, I’m sure if a police officer happened to notice this particular maneuver, I would be guilty of a moving violation, but at least I would be moving.  Besides, there are often pesky objects in my way, like telephone poles and pedestrians.  So this option is not always available to me.


Even though this was going on before the emergence of a certain object I’ll mention in a second, it was not nearly as prevalent as it is now.  What object?  Well, of course I am talking about the cell phone.  More specifically the smart phone.  I know some of you are thinking, not another old guy going to complain about them damn moh-bile phones.  I am not really quite old yet, but yes, I am going to complain about them.  Because, I believe they are the reason I see the uptake in encountering this problem.  People are so damn obsessed with checking their Facebook, Twitter, texts, Instagram, etc… that they are stopping as quick as they can so they can pick up their phone.  I’m sure in their mind they are being “safe” by waiting until they are stopped to look at the phone, but safe schmafe, you are annoying me!  I’ll admit that I’m not immune to checking my own phone (especially if I get an alert that someone commented on a blog post) but I will make sure I am firmly planted in the available space before I even reach for it.

OK, rant done.  I feel a bit better now.  What are your thoughts on this issue?  Hate it too?  Do it?  God I hope not because I will wish you a lengthy trip down a razor blade into a pool of rubbing alcohol.  However, this is an equal opportunity blog, so feel free.  Think there are a lot more important issues to be discussing than this?  There are, but if you think that and you are here, you must be new.  Welcome!

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11 thoughts on “RANT WARNING! – See That Space In Front Of You? Occupy It!

  1. I was tearing up at Jizz Wafflemobile and almost missed safe schmafe (which was my grandfather’s advice). I love a good rant and this is a good one. Fucking Jizz Wafflemobile is going to get me all day!

    1. Tearing you up is my aim. Glad you liked the rant. I have to admit that I stole the safe schmafe from your grandfather. I hope he’s OK with it.

  2. When I took driver’s ed (which was, admittedly, more than two decades before I got my license, but that’s another story) I learned that you should stop far enough back that you can see the tires on the road of the car in front of you.
    That’s pretty far back but still close enough that there is not an occupiable space between me and the car in front of me. It would be closer if I were taller, or sitting in a booster seat, but still close.
    And if I realize that pulling up a few inches means somebody behind me can get into a turn lane then I will. I notice those things because I don’t look at my phone when I’m driving. People who do really grind my gears and I think they deserve to be rickroll’d.
    Christopher recently posted…Learning To Fly.My Profile

    1. That does seem like a subjective guideline but I’m ecstatic to hear you’ll pull up. The driving while looking at your phone thing is really starting to get out of hand. I had a discussion (argument) with my wife when I told her that the majority of them were women. I called them BOPs, Bitch Onna Phone. My wife came back with POPs, Prick Onna Phone. We often take a BOP-POP count when going somewhere and I have to admit, it’s usually pretty even.

  3. I might be a semi-Jizz. When you get rear ended hard two times within 3 weeks (enough to total your car) it changes things. When you get rear ended super hard, one of two things will happen. You either have to try to turn your wheel real fast, which puts you into another lane of oncoming traffic, or traffic coming behind you that you are going to jump into or in front of. And mid-wreck, when time slows down, the one thing I thought both times was “please don’t let me plow into someone else and hurt them”. Sooooooooooo, I leave a “sorta gap”. The next time someone rear ends me, I will at worst just tap the car in front of me and will not have to turn into traffic. Gawd, I sound 100, don’t I?

    1. My wife said the same thing about the rear ending. Sorta gaps don’t bother me as long as you are not blocking anyone behind you from turning. So I guess a little jizz is OK in your case. Aren’t you relieved to have my approval? 🙂

  4. I was planning to read the whole rant, but Of Course I still had to click on the avoidance link. Thank you SO MUCH for that – I laughed Out Loud for a good long time, without even staying on the page!

    I haven’t done a BOP-POP count, but I DO notice them. I am not jizzy. I know exactly how close to get to the car in front of me, AND exactly how close to get to the intersection line WITHOUT being in the crosswalk at all (that’s my rant, as a pedestrian)! I DO check my phone, sometimes, once I am STOPPED at the light. I DO NOT check it at stop signs, because, duh, I have places I need to get to, hello?
    emelle recently posted…Bow-now-now-now-now-now-na-nuh. (Yes)terday was my birthday!My Profile

  5. I have encountered these same people on many occasions and had NO IDEA they were called Jizz Waffles! Thank you for providing me this clarity. AND, I completely agree. Why the fuck do you have to stop half a mile from the car in front of you? This rant was fantastic, and Rick Astley made me feel like I was back on the dance floor at Mortimer’s drinking Long Island Iced Tea like a complete jackass. Ahh, memories. Thanks for this!

    1. There are quite a few other people that reach Jizz Waffle status in my eyes. Eww, jizz in the eyes, not good. I should reword that but I’m not gonna. Long Island Ice Teas have been the downfall of many! I could tell stories. Oh wait, that is what I do here. OK, making a note in drafts right now to write up a LIIT story. Thanks Tanya!

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