I was bored so I decided to type in the five W’s and How into a Google search field and see what it came up with for the first ten predictions of each one. Then I figured I would put my own spin on them. I don’t recommend using any of my verbiage for a term paper though.
Who is – Who is who? I think you forgot to finish your query there.
Who should I start – I can only assume this is geared toward fantasy football. If I entered this query, Google would tell me why bother starting anyone? I mean, seriously, I just got beat by a guy who didn’t start four of his positions. So, yeah, why bother?
Who died today – I don’t know, but I hope they made me King. It’s good to be the King.
Who is Harvey Weinstein – By all accounts he’s a real jizz waffle, allegedly. Also quite possibly literally, since there are stories of how he tended to whip it out at the most inopportune times. Odds are it could have been during breakfast, and waffles could have been present. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, or nightmares.
Who sampled – Uhm, sampled what? If you are asking about those people who walk around Sam’s Club or Costco eating the proffered samples, then the list would be long. Some people make a meal out of that activity.
Who let the dogs out – I actually can’t believe this wasn’t the first one in the list. It was the first thing that went through my mind when I typed it in. The Baha Men asked this question back in 2000. I have two dogs, and in my house, the questions are a little different. Who is going to let the dogs out? Who is going to let them in? Those are questions often debated between my wife and I.
Who am I – Hell if I know. Is this like 20 questions? Are you bigger than a bread box? Do you weigh more than a duck?
Who plays tonight – Sports related I am sure, but that is boring. I know the lion sings tonight. Do they also play an instrument while singing?
Who is Falicia Blakely – Apparently she is a stripper that murdered some guys. There is supposed to be a TV movie coming out about it. I’m guessing it won’t be on the Hallmark Channel; maybe Lifetime.
Who is Cardi B – She’s a hip hop artist. Not that I knew that on my own. As I’m not a fan of most of that genre, I also had to ask the Google. Here’s some sample lyrics of one of her songs:
Said little bitch, you can’t fuck with me
If you wanted to
These expensive, these is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes
Hit the store, I can get ’em both
I don’t wanna choose
And I’m quick, cut a (N-word) hustle
Don’t get comfortable
Look, I don’t dance now
I make money moves
Say I don’t gotta dance
I make money move
If I see you and I don’t speak
That means I don’t fuck with you
I’m a boss, you a worker bitch
I make bloody moves
Sounds like someone Mom and Dad would love to meet.
What time is it – Time to buy a watch, or if you are a millennial, look at your phone.
What is my IP – I don’t know what your Internet Protocol address is, but I can tell you that Jenny’s is 22.214.171.1249.
What is antifa – From Wikipidea: The Antifa movement is a conglomeration of autonomous, self-styled anti-fascist groups in the United States. The salient feature of Antifa groups is their opposition to fascism by direct action. They are…blah…politics…blah… moving on.
What the health – I have a better question. What the hell? As in what the hell were you trying to ask here? Oh, this is a title of a vegan documentary. If that’s your thing, more power to you. Not for me. I like my dead cow too much.
What happened to Monday – Absolutely nothing. It still comes after the weekend and it still sucks. Ask The Bangles, they know.
What is daca – More politics dealing with immigration. Not about to touch that one.
What is today – Unless you have been in a coma for like 11 years and have just woken up by yourself in a room with a laptop or smart phone, I’d like to think you’d already know. That actually seems like a beginning to a plot line for a future Saw movie. Why not? There have been eleventybillion of them already. What’s one more?
What is lupus – Lupus is a horrible disease. You can read The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino for an excellent take on what it’s like to live with this and other debilitating diseases. You can also ready my Fork Theory on what it’s like to have love ones with those type of diseases.
What to do in Virginia Beach – Well it is a beach. Gonna just spitball here and suggest swimming? Volleyball? Building sandcastles in the sand? That last one is a shout out to Robin Sparkles. If you’re not a HIMYM fan (and if you don’t get that acro, you aren’t), you should just move on to the next one. I’ve probably lost you by now anyway.
What does the fox say – I know this was a viral meme about five years ago. I never did figure out what the fox said. Do you know? What was it?
Where am I – Really? You don’t know where you are? Actually, this was probably my wife. We’ve lived in this area for 11 years and she still doesn’t know what interstate goes where. She knows where every damn Starbucks is though.
Where is hurricane Irma – I think she left already.
Where is Xur – Evidently Xur is a virtual vendor in the online video game Destiny 2. I don’t play it so I don’t know much about it. I’m sure my son could fill you in. The first person I thought about when I saw Xur was this guy…
He’s the bad guy from 1984’s awesomely awful movie The Last Starfighter. As a kid I loved that movie. Here’s a fun fact. It was the first movie to ever use CGI. Granted, it was very basic CGI but it’s in there. That was fun right? OK, maybe our definitions of fun are a bit different.
Where am I right now – Probably the same place you were three queries ago.
Where is Rancho Tehama – It’s a city in Northern California that was the sight of a senseless shooting. I’d rather focus on the positive. The city’s website says it a country setting nestled in rolling hills and pine trees within a view of Mount Shasta. Sounds nice to me and if it’s close to a mountain you know I would love it.
Where is – Gonna refer you to the group of queries pervious to this one and ask where is WHAT?
Where is hurricane Jose – Hanging out with Irma?
Where the wild things are – I believe this is a book and a movie. I’ve never read or seen it. However, I did see a movie called Wild Things. There’s some hot girl on girl action between Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. Can’t go wrong with that.
Where is Irma now – I already told you, she gone.
Where is Xur Destiny 2 – We covered this.
When is Thanksgiving 2017 – It’s on Thursday and I can’t wait! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Another fun fact; did you know that Thanksgiving isn’t always the last Thursday of November? This year there are five Thursday’s in November but the holiday is on the fourth one. Was that funner than my last fun fact? Yea, I know, funner isn’t a word. But I’m not a real writer, so there!
When is Black Friday – I’d tend to state the obvious and tell you it’s the day after Thanksgiving but nowadays they start the sales earlier and earlier so that’s probably not entirely accurate. Don’t even get me started on early Christmas crap. Anyway, I got dragged to Black Friday sales exactly one time and I’ll never do it again. I will be choosing to #optoutside this year like I’ve done the few previous years.
When is Labor Day – When contractions are 5 minutes apart.
When is Halloween – It’s October 31st but if I had my way it would always be on the last Saturday in October.
When does fall start – In Autumn.
When is hurricane season – It depends on if they make the playoffs. You were talking about the Miami Hurricanes football team, right? Maybe you were talking about the Carolina Hurricanes hockey team? Same answer.
When does time change – Continually, and it keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, into the future.
When to work – When you want to eat.
When is the solar eclipse – Jeeze, I guess you didn’t like my previous answer. OK, its when the moon passes between the earth and the sun. But don’t look directly at it or your eyes will melt out of your head! My mom actually kept me out of elementary school during an eclipse once because she didn’t trust that the teachers would keep us from looking at it. I took some ribbing from my friends about that but, no school that day, so yeah, I could live with that.
Why is Jill fat on Mom – OMG! You aren’t fat shaming are you? I’ll have to turn all the social media justice warriors loose on your ass.
Why him – I’m sure many people have been asking this question in the last year. But, politics again, nope.
Why don’t we – Let me finish that for you… get drunk and screw? Screw has never been one of my favorite synonyms for doing the wild thing. It seems a little mechanical. See what I did there? However, who am I to question the Messiah of the Parrotheads, Mr. Jimmy Buffet? It’s a great rhetorical question. Unfortunately, it hardly ever results in the desired answer when asked. Not that I’ve ever asked it. I’m more smooth than that. I just say, “Nice shoes, wanna….”. Well, you get the idea.
Why is Mike and Mike ending – Well I heard Mike felt like the romance was gone, while Mike felt he was being treated like an object and not being appreciated by Mike. Mike also suspects that Mike might be cheating on him with his best friend, who ironically, is named Mike. Let’s just put this down to irreconcilable differences.
Why is it called Black Friday – Because of all the black eyes that result from fights when the morons mob the stores.
Why is the sky blue – Because it’s not raining?
Why not pizza – I suspect they were trying to ask about Ynot Pizza, a local joint here. In any event, that is an excellent question. Pizza is good for breakfast. lunch, and dinner. So why not pizza?
Why him cast – Oh, you were actually asking about the cast of the movie Why Him? That movie came out a while back and I went to see it. The question I had afterwards was, Why did I bother? I can answer that. My wife and I always go to the Cinema Cafe to watch movies. The fact that you can get beer and pizza at this theater has
nothing everything to do with it. So our minimum criteria for what movies we will go see usually fall into the category of is it at least good enough for us to sit through while we drink beer and eat pizza? Amazingly, there have been quite a few that didn’t get such a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes that have still made the cut. I’m not talking about Showgirls awful, I do have some standards. OK, OK, you got me. I totally went to see Showgirls. Stop judging me!
Why did I get married – I’ve asked myself that question twice. On a related note, I have two ex-wives. You do the math.
Why am I so tired – Probably because you are still reading this post. Get an energy drink and finish the rest.
How many days until Christmas – Way too many to start with the Christmas crap! I asked you not to get me started on this, but you went there anyway. There should be NO Christmas commercials, NO Christmas decorations, NO Christmas movies (I’m looking at you Hallmark Channel), NO Christmas anything until after all the Turkey Day leftovers have been eaten! Seriously, it’s making Christmas not special anymore. If you ate your favorite meal everyday would it continue to be your favorite meal? Except for pizza, I can eat that shit every day.
How to make slime – Strap on a proton pack. Go to a haunted hotel. Attempt to capture a ghost that looks like a pile of poop eating from a room service cart. Instant slime.
How many ounces in a gallon – There are 128 fluid ounces in a gallon of beer. I know you didn’t ask about the beer. I threw that in for free.
How many ounces in a pound – There are 16 ounces in a pound of marijuana. I don’t smoke it but thought I’d throw that in for any token tokers who might read this.
How to tie a tie – Step 1: Pick up tie. Step 2: Position tie over buttoned up collar. Step 3: Snap clip down. Done.
How to get rid of fruit flies – Get rid of the fruit?
How to screenshot on Mac – I don’t know why (yeah I do, I’m a perv) but this seems pornographic in nature to me. My brain keeps changing it to How to moneyshot on Mac. There are many “instructional” videos out there to teach you that, but first you have to find a guy named Mac who is in to that.
How to get away with a murderer – This one actually made me chuckle a bit. Not because I am entertained by people who want to take a trip with a murderer. Probably not the best idea to go to Cabo with a killer anyway (or before an important playoff game, I’m looking at you Tony Romo). What made me chuckle is that this was the topic of a post on Spoken Like A True Nut back in March. I was surprised to see it is still coming up eight months later. I remember commenting that I noticed True Nut was Canadian and that I “stole” my wife from Canada. She wasn’t willing to get away with a murderer but she had no problem getting away with a kidnapper.
How to lower blood pressure – Easy, stop watching the news.
So that was a bunch of nonsensical silliness. That’s kind of a theme around here though… so… *clicking publish button*.