As promised, here’s the Humor in Uniform story that was selected by you readers and a virtual coin toss.

When I was in the Navy and deployed to the Mediterranean Sea back in 1992, we stopped for a port visit in a little city called Cagliari on the island of Sardinia. We were only going to be there for two days and I had duty on one of those days so just one day of liberty for me. I’m sure there were all kinds of cool cultural sites to see and history to learn but for a sailor with just a single day of freedom there was one priority….. yup, you guessed it, BEER.

Our Captain at the time had a policy, well two policies really. One was that you needed a liberty buddy to go out with. Now a days in the Navy that is a firm policy and closely documented and tracked. Back then it was just kind of a suggestion that wasn’t strictly enforced. This will play prominently in the story later. The second policy was that we should not have more than two beers when we are out on the town. Two beers? Yeaharight. What do you do with a drunken sailor that has only had two beers? Nothing, because you will never find one that has had only two beers. Until now!

I went out on liberty with a couple of shipmates I worked with. For the life of me I can’t remember who they were now or I would be calling them out by name for their part in this story. Anyway, I had complied with Policy #1. As you will see, I also complied with Policy #2, but not in the way it was intended to be complied with.

We spent about 30 minutes looking around and then found the nearest pub to get down to business. As we entered the pub and sat down at the bar I noticed this person at the other end. More accurately, I noticed what he had in his hands. Yes I said hands, plural. See for yourself…

You know where this is going right? I don’t think it needs any further set up. I figured right then and there that I could get all desired alcohol content and still comply with the Two Beers Policy. So that’s what I did. It took several hours to imbibe those two measly beers and by the time I was done you could say I was sufficiently inebriated. Also, by the time I was done I noticed that my buddies had disappeared and left me to my own devices.

So out of the pub I stumbled and headed out into the night mediterranean air. It must have been the that nice air that made me wander aimlessly around the town of Cagliari without a clue where I was going. After a while I ended up plopping down on some park bench. It was then that I realized I had no idea where I was. No smart phone with Google Maps to guide me either. Also no liberty buddies thanks to those deserters! So I kind of just went to sleep (read that as passed out). Sometime later I woke to the sound of talking and I noticed a pair of shore patrol guys coming up. I asked them if they could direct me back to the fleet landing. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that the ship was anchored out in the bay and you had to take a liberty launch back and forth? They gave me directions and seeing the state I was in offered to escort me there. I was adamant that I go on my own. Being escorted by shore patrol anywhere did not lead to good things. I was able to convince them and off I went on my solo trip.

Somehow I managed to remember the directions and got back to the fleet landing. There I boarded a liberty launch and we set off back to the ship. The sea was a little angry that day my friends…

Well, I wasn’t an old man then but I was getting ready to send back my soup. As we motored out, the rocking and rolling of the boat did a number on my beer filled belly and I was soon sending that soup back over the side into the murky depths. After that, I kind of passed back out for the remainder of the ride. I woke again, this time to the rough shove of one my fellow sailors who informed me that we were at the bottom of the accommodation ladder that runs up the side of the ship to the quarterdeck where the Officer of the Deck controlled the boarding of the ship.

Forgot to tell you about Policy #3. It was more of a rule than a policy. It stated that if you could not present your ID and cross the quarterdeck under your own power with no assistance then you would be going to Captain’s Mast. For those of you who haven’t read my previous Humor In Uniform stories, Captain’s Mast is a form of a non-judicial hearing where the captain plays the part of judge, jury, and executioner. This particular captain who had made that two beer policy always inquired of the defendant on the quantity (never the quality) of said beers downed. He would call witnesses also, so lying rarely worked. In this case I had truly only had two beers, but I was unsure whether I would get off on that technicality and prefered not to test it.

A couple of my fellow sailors, seeing the condition I was in, began to help me up the ladder. All the thoughts from the previous paragraph ran through my head in the time it took us to get half way up and almost in view of the quarterdeck and the Officer of the Deck watch. I shrugged them off, composed myself, and climbed the rest of the way to the deck. As I approached the watch I retrieved my ID and said, “Request permission to come aboard.” The watch looked at me for a few seconds then gave the requested permission. I walked onboard, through a hatch, went around a corner where I promptly passed out and knew no more of that night.

When I woke the next day I was surprised to see that I was safely in my rack (bunk, bed) no worse for the wear. When I peeked out of the curtains I saw no one there which was a good thing because if I had been found passed out on the deck I would have been assigned a drunk watch, which in turn would have meant bad bad things were in store for me. But no drunk watch was to be seen. I got up, did my shit, shower, and shave thing, the whole time expecting someone to say something to me. They never did. I had a guardian angel pick me up from that deck and deposit me in my rack and to this day I still have no idea who it was. I’d like to think my liberty buddies redeemed themselves by assisting me but deep down inside I know it wasn’t either of those fuckers!

That’s it. Hope you enjoyed it.

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