I Can Make Just About Anything Dirty

I Can Make Just About Anything Dirty

If you haven’t already figured it out by the title, I’m going to get a little dirty in this post.  So if that’s not your thing, now would be a good time to hit the cat videos on You Tube.

Still here? Yea I thought so.  Continuing on… I have the ability to see/hear something dirty in just about anything I encounter.  When I’m listening to music I often find myself involuntarily replacing the lyrics to make them dirty.  Take Tom Petty’s Free Falling for instance.  I can not hear that song without instantly changing the title to Free Balling. Which of course refers to going commando.  I don’t need to spell it out for you do I? OK, maybe I should.  It means not wearing any U-N-D-E-R-W-E-A-R.  Let’s examine more of my modified lyrics from the song:

She’s a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America too
She’s a good girl, crazy ’bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend my big schlong too

It’s a long day livin’ in Reseda
There’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard
And I’m a bad boy, ’cause I don’t even miss her
I’m a bad boy for breakin’ her heart sniffn’ her farts

And I’m free, free fallin’ balling
Yeah I’m free, free fallin’ balling

All the vampires walkin’ through the valley
Move west down Ventura Blvd.
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts stinky farts

And I’m free, free fallin’ balling
Yeah I’m free, free fallin’ balling

Free fallin’ balling, now I’m free fallin’ balling
Now I’m,
Free fallin’ balling, now I’m free fallin’ balling

I wanna glide down over Mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
I’m gonna free fall ball out into nothin’
Gonna leave this world my underwear for awhile

Now that was actually pretty tame. I’m not even going to tell you how I changed the lyrics to Madonna’s Rain.  I can tell you, though, it isn’t rain coming down on her.  How messed up am I?  My poor wife.  She is no prude by far and loves a little innuendo as much as the next non-nun.  But I know she get’s exasperated by my continual juvenile behavior in this area.  My debauchery is not limited to the audial sense.  No, it also crosses over to the visual spectrum.  I can take about any plain old object and see something dirty in it.  Take, for example, the below picture.


This is an egg poacher that you can use in the microwave.  You just pop open the swing top, crack a few eggs in there, close it up, and nuke it for a few minutes.  Nifty little, plain as can be item.  But what do I see when I look at that thing.  This…


Those aren’t sunny side up eggs I’m imaging there.  You guessed it! Those are some boobies!  I can’t stop myself from holding this thing up to my chest and telling my wife, “Look babe!  I got eggscellent knockers!”  She laughed (really, she did) the first few times I did it.  Not so much the 732 times I’ve done it since.  Man we eat a lot of poached eggs.  I bet my cholesterol is up there.

Here’s another one.  A few years ago I was at my sister-in-law’s house for Christmas and she had this fake candle sitting on an end table.  My nephew (partner in crime on this one) and I nicknamed it the Scrote Torch.  Take a look and see if you can figure out why.


The fake candle company went to such detail in creating this.  They even had fake melted wax running down the side.  Might have wanted to review it a bit before they made the mold, though, because it totally looks like a NUT SACK!  A real dangly down one at that.  Please don’t tell me I am the only one (besides my nephew) who sees it?  My SIL did not find it amusing, especially after the unfortunate positioning of her family portrait behind it, and her front and center next to the scrote torch.  I had to pixelate her face just in case she ever sees this.  She would do a lot worse to my face if I didn’t.

One more entry in this little confessional.  Up until this one, I fully admit it is probably just my infantile brain at work here, but this one can’t be all me.  My wife bought a chew toy for my dog at the pet store.  When she brought it home and tossed it to him I almost choked.  Why?  Look…


Now what does that look like to you?  Yup!  That’s a double ender dildo!  If you don’t know what that is, Google it.  Probably shouldn’t do it at work though.  I mean look at that thing!  What else could it be?  My wife says she picked that up at Care-A-Lot, which is a big pet store here.  I’m thinking she might have made a wrong turn and ended up in Bangs-A-Lot sex shop instead.  That, or maybe a shipment got mixed up and the sex shop ended up with a box of milk bones.  Hey, that might work for them too.  To be fair, the dog toy/double your pleasure dildo does have the word KONG on it.  That company does make dog toys.  Again, they might have wanted to conduct some consumer focus groups on it though, because you know what I see when I read that word?


Surprised?  Didn’t think so.  OK, so is this just a healthy sense of humor or am I messed up in the head?  Anyone else out there do these things?  Come on, I don’t want to be the only one!

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8 thoughts on “I Can Make Just About Anything Dirty

  1. “Free Ballin'” is great, but I don’t have time to change lyrics to songs, personally.

    The candle is ABSOLUTELY a huge phallus gone wrong.

    The dog chew toy is, unfortunately, JUST a dog chew toy.

    … so you’re, um… clearly a boy with a boy’s brain. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, unless you’re married to a mature woman (and by “mature” I mean any female over the age of probably 15). So… sorry, can’t help ya.
    emelle recently posted…Welcome, Czech Republic (and Welcome BACK, Algeria)!My Profile

    1. That’s just it. I don’t consciously change the lyrics. It just happens spontaneously.

      So you don’t see it on the dog toy? I mean look at that thing. Twisty in the middle with two knobs on both end? My dog won’t even play with it because even he knows it’s not right.

      I can always count on you to tell it like it is Emelle. Since my wife is over the age of 15 I guess I am just messed up in the head. She did buy a proper egg poacher for the stove top. I wonder if that was to keep me from playing with the microwave one?

  2. You’re not the only one who can make anything dirty. In fact there’s a long and proud history of that sort of thing. Modern audiences don’t always catch it because language has changed but apparently Shakespeare is full of filthy jokes. When Hamlet tells Ophelia “Get thee to a nunnery!” he’s telling she belongs in a brothel.
    That reminds me of one of my favorite jokes: my sister was a nun until she found out what “none” meant.
    Yeah, that one has to be heard to be appreciated.
    Christopher recently posted…Those Aren’t Pillows!My Profile

    1. Shakespeare huh? Methinks I am in excellent company. I love that joke. When I first started thinking about this post I had a Mother Teresa joke. I didn’t write it down though, so of course it flew right out of my head.

  3. Oh man. I am about to ruin a few songs for anyone who reads your comments.

    “The first slut is the cheapest” was SUCH a moving song by Cat Stevens.

    I heard a comedian replace the lyrics of Summer of 69 with “I gave Osama a 69!” And now that is all I hear.

    A friend’s sister slept with someone who apparently wasn’t very good in bed, and unfortunately he inspired her to change the line from Nelly Furtado’s “I’m like a bird” from “I don’t know where my soul is” to “I don’t know where your hole is”

    Once someone tells you stuff like that, that is how you hear that song FOREVER.
    Mrs Fancy-Pants recently posted…No Blog Engagement For You, Lucifer Lover!My Profile

  4. I know right? I don’t think I could physically sing these songs the normal way if I tried.

    Your Nelly Furtado version made me spit out my OJ this morning. LOL!

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